Goodbye to You

For the past 4 years, I have held a strong anger, and dare I say it, hatred, for a person that I feel left my brother to die from a cocaine/heroin overdose. Over the past 4 years, I have seen this person a time or two. He never knew it...I doubt he would have known who I was even had I approached him. Honestly, I don't think it would have phased him who I was.

The last time that I saw him, while I still felt some anger, I felt hope as well. I thought that he looked good...strong and healthy...and most importantly, clean. He didn't look like a person that was still doing any kind of drugs. He looked like a person that could possibly have a good future ahead of him, and so I felt hope for him. I had hope that his future would be different than my brothers. I had hope that he would be able to one day build a family, have a home, a job, a life. I had hope for him. And that hope for him started to chip away at my anger.

I can't live my life in anger at someone. It's not healthy. It's not healthy to hold that kind of anger and hatred towards someone in your heart. And so instead I hoped for him. On the occasion that I still pray, I would pray for him.

And now here I am...a little over 4 years after my brother died...and I find out that this person has passed away...from a heroin overdose.

My emotions are so topsy-turvy about this. There is a part of me, the part that is still sad and angry that says, "You got what you deserved. Karma's a bitch." But my main feeling is sadness. Sadness for his family. For his mom. Because I saw what my mom went through. I saw how it tore my mother apart. My family has felt the stigma from the death of my brother. And these feelings, this sadness and pain, is not something I would wish on anyone...ever. And so I've pushed the mean thoughts away, and the thoughts of anger and hurt. And I feel the need to cry for this person. Because nobody should die that way. And nobody's family should have to feel that pain of losing that someone way too soon. He hadn't even hit his 30th birthday yet. He had so much more life to live. So much more to do in life.

And so here I sit, and my heart breaks. It aches for him. It aches for his family. It aches for his friends. And I just hope that they find peace. I hope they find comfort in knowing that his addiction is gone. He's done suffering. While I know it makes no difference, I send love and hugs out to his family and his friends. I send peace and comfort. I send you hope.

Rest in peace