***
I can’t begin to tell you how broken I am right now. I feel
as if I’m falling apart and there’s no one there to put the pieces back
together again. I always had this fear that I would lose you this way—that one
day everything would just go terribly wrong and you’d be gone. I never knew
that someday would be now. Throughout our lives, especially as we got older,
and as we got closer, there were so many good times. But behind those good
times, there were lies. There were lies and betrayal and hurt and anger. I
tried to convince myself that because of how close we were, you wouldn’t lie to
me. But I was only lying to myself. Too many years before, the drugs had taken
over your life. Cocaine was the easy way out. It was a way to deal with
everything. It was a way to deal with the fact that you lied about everything
It made you stop feeling guilty for those lies and made you feel better.
However, it tore me apart. I never knew if I’d see you sober, or if you had
just sniffed something. It killed me. I wanted terribly to believe you when you
told me you no longer did these things, but I knew deep down that I was telling
myself a lie. I knew that you were lying to me. And then that day came. The day
that mom called me and told me that I needed to come home. When I got there, I
never imagined that she would tell me that my brother had died. An overdose. I
stared at her at first, not knowing how to respond, what to say. I could feel
the tears burning in my eyes, but they didn’t fall. They couldn’t , for some
reason. I felt broken, and as if someone had just crushed my world. I had
wanted so badly to help you get away from the drugs. But you wouldn’t take my
help. No matter how much I told you that I loved you, it didn’t make a difference. No matter how much I told
you I wanted to help, it didn’t matter. Cocaine had become your family now. I
want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you for all the lies. I forgive
you for the addiction that you couldn’t seem to handle. I love you. You’re my
brother and I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. Now I guess I have
to. But I love you. Don’t ever forget
~Your
Sister (April 17, 2006)
