Six years gone

Saturday, February 16, 2008. I was down at Illinois State University visiting Jonathan. It was to be our first Valentine's together...and we were having a Valentine's weekend. That morning, around 7AM, Jonathan and I were sleeping, and my phone kept ringing. I ignored it a few times until Jonathan woke me up to tell me that Rick was calling. I answered the phone, and Rick told me that I had to come home. I asked him why. He told me that my mom had found Justin. "Found him where?" I asked. And then he said the two words that I can still hear ringing in my ears. "He's dead." I stumbled over something along the lines of "I'm coming home" before hanging up the phone. I laid in the bed and sobbed for a few minutes while Jonathan tried to understand what was happening. Then I simply got up and started packing my things...all while Jonathan asked me what was happening and what I was doing. I was finally able to get out the words to him that my brother was dead. He refused to let me drive myself home, so we left together. I cried most of the way home...and I cried even more after my brother Phil called. He couldn't get ahold of my mom, and I had to be the one to tell him that Justin was dead. Having to say those words out loud to somebody, and hearing the shock in their voice...it killed me.

Seeing my mom's face when we arrived at the police station...That killed me too. I felt sick. I felt confused. And lost. It didn't feel real. It didn't feel possible that my brother was no longer a part of this world. Sometimes it still feels unreal.

It's 6 years later now. And so much has changed over the past six years. Over those years, Justin has had a niece and two nephews come into this world. His little sister got married, as did his mom. His little sister and little brother graduated from college (Alex will be in May). It makes me sad to think about all the things he has missed in the past six years...and all the things he's going to miss in the future.

Justin died of a drug overdose. And over the past six years, the fact that he died that way has never made me miss him or love him any less. I feel the need to say this due to the high media attention surrounding drug overdoses in celebrities recently. According to some, my brother doesn't deserve to be missed and mourned. But it's clear, I hope, to any that read this, how much I love and care about my brother, regardless of the way that he died. In the end, he was still the boy in the picture with me...Just struggling with an addiction. While I know it's cliche, and some people hate to hear this said...He's in a better place. Because while we wish he was here with us...His better place is anywhere where he is away from his demons. And in this case...that was not here on this earth with his family.

I love you big brother. I think about you every day. I think about your smile. And your laugh. And I think about what a great Uncle you would have been to my son. I miss you every day. And I hope that you're smiling down on all of us.