I love you

As we approach the 11 year anniversary of my big brother leaving this Earth, I've decided to post not about just him, but about something I hold close to my heart.

As you're reading this, you may or may not know, that when Justin died, he and I were not in a good place. He and I had been fighting for nearly a month or so, and I was bound and determined to just let it play out. I remember vividly, calling him and yelling at him on his voicemail. I left him a nasty message about how he needed to grow up. He needed to act like an adult and make better choices. Not long after that, he came to stay with my little brother and I for a weekend. I was so mad at him all weekend. I didn't want anything to do with him that weekend, and I made sure he knew it. When I drove him home at the end of the weekend, he gave me a hug, and said he loved me. I mumbled back, "Mmhmm, love you too" half-heartedly. That was the last time I saw him.

I was fed up. I was angry. I was annoyed. But oh boy, was I so angry with him. It wasn't too long after that weekend that Justin was found dead. And my heart broke. Not only from losing him. But because I was still angry at him. I was angry at him for the stupid things he had done that made me mad at him in the first place. I was angry at him for the choices that led to his death. The choices that I knew would eventually lead to his death. That I told him over and over again would lead to his death.

And I was angry at myself. Because I never made things right with him. To this day, I question whether or not he knew I loved him when he died. Did he know how much I cared about him? Did he know that, even though he made me angry, that I adored my big brother?? He made me laugh like no one else could. He gave the best hugs. And deep down, he had the biggest heart of anyone I knew. His decisions just sucked. I have struggled for the last 11 years with this.

Which is why I try my very hardest to not go to bed angry with those that I love and care about the most. Tomorrow is not promised, and you never know what may happen. I have learned how important it is to forgive. To love, and to make sure people know they are loved. I'm not perfect, and sometimes I fail at this. But I try to fix it and make things better. Whenever I'm angry at my kids, we talk about it. We talk about what happened, why it happened. At the end of every angry conversation, I give them a hug and kiss. And I tell them how much I love them. Little Jonathan asks me all the time, "Mommy, do you love me even when I'm naughty?" And I tell him, "I love you ALL the time. There is nothing that could ever make me stop loving you." I need to make sure that they never question whether or not their mama loved them.

So, I'm sorry, big brother. I'm sorry I was so angry with you. I'm sorry if you didn't know I loved you. I forgive you, big brother. I forgive you for everything you put us through. I forgive you for the hurt you caused. I forgive you for the choices you made. And I still love you more than you'll ever know.

<3