Seven years. It's incredible how fast time can go by. The pain gets easier to deal with, but I can still feel it some days. There are some days that I relive that morning...I can still remember every detail. It makes my heart ache. I miss my brother every day.
I'm friends with some of his friends on facebook...And it makes me happy. It makes me smile to see how their lives have turned out, and what wonderful people they have turned into. And to see the lives they've created for themselves. And sometimes it makes me sad. Because I wish my brother could have had that. I wish he could have had that future. And that happiness. And it makes me sad because I wonder if they think of him. Do they remember any good? Or is it only bad?
When I think of him, I remember so much good. He made me laugh so hard. All the time. So many times, I laughed so hard that I cried. I have to remind myself to constantly think of the good and the happy. Because every day, I struggle with the fact that I was angry with him when he died. The last conversation that I had with him was a fight. And I have lived with that every day for the past 7 years. I only hope that he knows that I remember the good times. I remember the laughs. And I hope others do too.
I remember coming home my first day of my sophomore year and crying...having such an awful day. And his only goal that afternoon was to make me laugh until I forgot about my bad day. I remember him singing Britney Spears LOUDLY and BADLY on a karaoke machine. I remember waking up one morning to my mom and I finding him sleeping in her bed because "there was too much candy on his bed." (There was nothing there.) I remember him laughing at me and teasing me because I put Dawn dish soap in the dishwasher, and we walked into a kitchen full of bubbles on the floor. I remember his hugs. They were firm and comforting.
I constantly try to think of the good, and the things that made me smile. His big goofy grin, and his gigantic bug eyes. His laugh. His sense of humor.
I would love to know what others remember of him as well. Good memories. If you have them, which I can only hope that you do, even if it's small, please share it here. I would love to read them, and remember more good :)
Love you Big Brother <3 Dec 28, 1983-Feb 16, 2008
Hey Tasha.
ReplyDeleteOf course I did not know your brother. But what I do know is the nature of human relationships. We might not all be bound by the same events in life, but we are all bound by the shared understanding of grief and of loss. We all understand the regret of things left unsaid and the what it is to have the wounds of a loss heel and still have the daily reminder of the scar which no amount of time can remove. We have two choices when we lose a loved one. Either we can let that loss shine a light on all the flaws and shortcomings of that person or we can use their loss to BE a light to others of their kindness, their joy and the many ways that they touched our lives and gave us joy. I am so happy to see that you have chosen to do the later. This doesn't mean that we fail to acknowledge that our loved one made mistakes or that they could have made some different decisions in life. No, instead in means that we choose to remember them for the good. I think we all hope that whenever the good Lord decides to take us from this world that we are remembered fondly for the good that we have done in our lives and not the bad. For the pain we comforted. For the inspiration that we gave. For the generosity that we shared.
Tasha. I am sorry for your loss. As you said, time does help take away the sting of losing a loved one. But the grief endures and is as much a part of us as any other influence in our lives. I pray that you have comfort on this anniversary of your brother's passing. I pray that the world gives you constant reminders in the form of a smell or a joke or TV show or whatever that remind you of your brother and I hope when it does, you smile, if even just for a moment. All of our lives eventually fade into the earth. But our love remains forever.
God Bless you.
Ohhh and don't forget the time he slammed on the brakes and said in my voice ' do you want me to turn this car around and go home'. We were going home anyway... But boy were we laughing 😄
ReplyDeleteOhh Tasha... You are a fabulous writer and I love reading everything you say about Justin. I remember him singing that... And it was soooooo bad! He was rocking it the best he could though to get you to laugh. I dreamt about Justin a few weeks ago and in my dream he looked happy and healthy and said he was good. I woke up sad because it was only a dream, but also happy because I got to see him looking that way. I too miss his jokes, sense of humor, his hugs.., and his big blue bug eyes... On my gosh that made me chuckle readin your post. You know despite all the trials our family has been through... We are good and we make each other laugh when we are together. We have a bond that a lot of families don't. Thank you for always bringing the previous and fun memories back. I love you!
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