10 years. It's amazing what can happen in life in 10 years. It goes by faster than one might think. And for me, it's hard to believe its been that long that Justin has been gone. Even after so long, there are still times I expect to get a phone call from him. Or to see his face somewhere. Any time I hear the name Justin, I look up, expecting to see him. Even though in my heart, I know that, of course it would never be him.
10 years ago, I was visiting my (now) husband, Jonathan, down at school. We had our first official Valentine's Day weekend together planned out. I never would have thought that weekend would have come to a crashing halt at 7am on Saturday morning. I can remember the moment like it happened yesterday. We were laying in bed sleeping, and my phone kept ringing. I kept ignoring it. Finally, Jonathan nudged me and told me it was Rick calling me. I answered the phone, and all he said was, "Tasha, you need to come home now." Being the young adult I still was, my response was a snotty, "Why?" He said "Your mom needs you here." and Instantly my heart sank. My mom. There was something wrong with my mom. My mom needed me. I said "Is she okay?" There was a pause that seemed to last forever. And then he said the words that are forever ingrained into my memory, "She found your brother. She found Justin. He's dead."
I don't remember saying anything to him after that. I'm sure I mumbled something about coming home. I got out of bed and started to pack my things. Jonathan kept asking me what was happening, and I broke down. I can remember dropping to the floor like you would see in a movie, and telling him that my brother was dead. And that I knew it. That I had the feeling in my gut earlier that week and that I should have listened to it. And that I had made a joke about it when my mom couldn't get ahold of him. I had shrugged at her and said "maybe he's dead." Who would think something like that was funny?
What many don't know is that Justin and I were not in a good place when he died. Which is why I made such a horrible smartass remark to my mom, just days prior. Justin and I had been fighting, because I told him he was childish, and weak, and needed to grow up and act like a man. We'd been fighting for weeks, and I was so angry with him. And I live with that pain and that struggle. Every. Single. Day. I like to think he knows I said those things out of love, somewhere deep down. But I don't know.
In 10 years, life has brought many changes. And every once in a while, I laugh, because I feel like these things were sent to me, in a way, by my brother. The first thing I think of is my incredible son, Jonathan. We named him Jonathan Justin. I wanted him to have a piece of his uncle, even though he would never know him. And that little boy is the most sensitive, loving, sweet little boy that I have ever known. His personality reminds me so much of Justin, it's crazy. And then just 2 years after that darling boy, my amazing fireball of a daughter was born. And Peyton was brought into this world on December 28th. Which was also Justin's birthday. And she is sassy and funny and hardheaded and she loves to talk. There's a small piece of my brother in both of my children, and it helps ease the pain that I have in my heart a little bit.
Also, more recently, I made a huge change in my own life. I decided to take control of my own health and do something about my weight. I had tried before. But before, I had tried on my own. 10 years ago, at Justin's funeral, there was a girl there that was crying. My mom and I didn't know who she was. My mom went up to her and met her and talked to her. Not too long after, they were friends on Facebook. A little while after this, this girl sent me a friend request. I thought it was odd, but okay. She seemed nice enough, and I generally liked most of my brother's friends. (she says that we met before when I worked at Photo's ;) but it's been so long) 10 years later, and this girl is an amazing friend of mine. She is the one I contacted about helping me with my weight loss journey, and she has been the most amazing coach and friend every step of the way. I've shared exciting moments with her, fears, frustrations, and being sad. And she's there for all of it. 10 years ago, I never thought that crying girl would be such an incredible part of my life. So I thank Justin all the time, for knowing her and for bringing her into my life.
We've all come a long way in the last 10 years. My brothers are all incredible men that have done amazing things in life. I am the proudest sister that I could possibly be. I like to think that I'd be proud of where Justin would be today too. My mom has come a long way in these last 10 years as well. Losing a sibling is hard, but losing a child? That's a different kind of pain that no one should ever have to endure. Some didn't think she would make it through. But my mom is a fighter. It was a rocky road, but she made it to the other side. And 10 years later, she's tough as nails. Though she'd never admit that. My mom is my hero. I've seen her struggle, I've seen the fight. She's a stronger woman and a stronger mom because of what' she's been through. She's incredible. My mom. My hero. The greatest superhero there ever was.
I love you, big brother. I miss you so very much. Every day. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of you at least once. It makes me sad cuz I've forgotten what your voice sounds like. And I knew that day would come, but it's hard. I try to bring it up in my mind, and I can't. But I will never forget your hugs. Or your big goofy grins with your gigantic bug eyes. I love you so very much, big brother. I hope you're making everyone laugh up there. Miss you bunches!
Justin C Hall 12/28/83 - 2/16/08
