Letter to My Brother

I would first like to mention, for those that may not know, I lost my brother to a cocaine overdose in February 2008. I wrote the following letter in April 2006, 2 years before he died. I can remember sitting down, writing it, crying, and thinking about how I would feel about losing my brother. It saddens me how much this letter hits the nail pretty much on the head :(
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I can’t begin to tell you how broken I am right now. I feel as if I’m falling apart and there’s no one there to put the pieces back together again. I always had this fear that I would lose you this way—that one day everything would just go terribly wrong and you’d be gone. I never knew that someday would be now. Throughout our lives, especially as we got older, and as we got closer, there were so many good times. But behind those good times, there were lies. There were lies and betrayal and hurt and anger. I tried to convince myself that because of how close we were, you wouldn’t lie to me. But I was only lying to myself. Too many years before, the drugs had taken over your life. Cocaine was the easy way out. It was a way to deal with everything. It was a way to deal with the fact that you lied about everything It made you stop feeling guilty for those lies and made you feel better. However, it tore me apart. I never knew if I’d see you sober, or if you had just sniffed something. It killed me. I wanted terribly to believe you when you told me you no longer did these things, but I knew deep down that I was telling myself a lie. I knew that you were lying to me. And then that day came. The day that mom called me and told me that I needed to come home. When I got there, I never imagined that she would tell me that my brother had died. An overdose. I stared at her at first, not knowing how to respond, what to say. I could feel the tears burning in my eyes, but they didn’t fall. They couldn’t , for some reason. I felt broken, and as if someone had just crushed my world. I had wanted so badly to help you get away from the drugs. But you wouldn’t take my help. No matter how much I told you that I loved you, it didn’t make  a difference. No matter how much I told you I wanted to help, it didn’t matter. Cocaine had become your family now. I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you for all the lies. I forgive you for the addiction that you couldn’t seem to handle. I love you. You’re my brother and I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. Now I guess I have to. But I love you. Don’t ever forget

                                                            ~Your Sister (April 17, 2006)